Here Comes the Sun

Felt so much love last week. Caught up with old friends, made new ones, laughed together and cried together. Explored new places, do new things, breaking boundaries and limits.

Lizzy and Dave took really good care of me when I was in Idaho.

The airport staff were respectful and helpful. There were periods in the airport when it was crowded and noisy, something that a little Hiromi’s Beethoven Sonata #8, Op 13 Adagio Cantabelle on repeat quickly silent.

Randomly chatted with a woman on the train from the airport to downtown Denver – it turned out that we a common friend.

I also visited my first lesbian bar, where I got to know two women who were at the Standing Rock protests. Needless to say, they were at Gary and Stephanie’s opening night.

Stephanie’s impromptu dance at Union Station’s fountain, among the children, was priceless.

Our breakfast hostess not only came for the opening, but also brought Stephanie and I a bouquet of sunflower, each.

On my flight home from Denver, a kind man swapped his first class seat for my economy class seat, because we were both soldiers. I flew with United. The stewardesses, and the 28-year law enforcement veteran who sat next to me were friendly.

All in all, my trip was rich, fulfilling and happy.

Dave and Gary in 2013

#mesafalls #nature

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Dave and I in 2017

Gary and Stephanie’s “Using Photography for Healing” opening at Art Gym

Frank and Steph

Gallery view from above

The people that made this show happen

 

 

Therapy

Sometimes, there are just no words. What I’ve been doing since my last post:

  • Campout among the redwoods in Philo with a group of new friends. Made a new spoon out of a driftwood from this campout:

New spoon from #driftwood #stabilizedwood #woodworking #woodcarving

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  • Loved my first campout so much, that I made a solo campout nearby on the following week:

#bedroomforthenight #nature

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  • After months of avoidance, I finally recorded a self-indulging jam session.

Selamat Hari Raya Puasa (Eid ul-Fitr) to my Muslim friends…

My Muslims friends around the world are celebrating the end of the fasting month of Ramadan.

Growing up in Malaysia, I’ve observed many Muslim events. Over the years of being a bystander of Ramadan, I’ve fasted with friends, respected their quieter times, recited a few lines of their routine prayer, sat in our empty school canteen, preserved energy with my friends and weaved “Ketupat”, a weaved coconut frond case, used to fill and cook rice, as part of our preparation for “Raya”. We would also make a list of friends who had invited us to their homes during the week of celebration, and plan routes of whose home to visit first.

If I was in school till evening, mom would pick me up and head to the night market, or “Pasar malam”, as we call it. You’ll recognize one when you’re close – stalls lit up our little town at dusk, where glorious home-cooked were dished atop plastic or worn out laminated wooden folding tables. The aroma of spices, and smells from different curries, satay, roti, seafood, blend so well, as if the air molecules were dancing to Vivaldi’s Spring. If we were a little early, the sun ray would peer through the gaps of the stalls’ tarp that was held up by aluminum rods and tied down by a rope and boulder. As I wander shoulder-to-shoulder, with the rest of most likely 3 quarters of the town, very likely, we would bump into someone we know, and mom will stop for a little chit-chat, while my eyes roam around to see what I want for dinner. On a successful evening, we would score pink plastic bags of goodies bought from various stalls.

The end of Ramadan is followed by a week of visiting homes of various Muslim friends (and teachers), where we were welcomed with a feast of “Ketupat” (steamed rice in weaved coconut fronds), “Rendang” (beef curry stew), “Sayur Lemak” (vegetables in coconut milk), served with “Air Ros Sirap” (ice-cold rose water in condensed milk). We would greet each other with “Maaf Zahir dan Batin”, which means “pardon my physical and emotional wrongdoings” in Malay. After good food, drinks and sweets, it’s time to move on to the next home! Adults would send children of friends’ home with a green paper pocket filled with some pocket money.

One year, I remembered a friend gifted me a set of “Baju Kurung” that she grew out of. It was a little tight, but I wore it for a few special occasions.

Here’s a photo of me and the rest of the non-Muslims in my high school, making “Ketupat”, while our Muslim friends were in their Religious studies class. It had been more than 20 years…

… and here, a photo of my class, one of the “Science-stream” classes, after a period of Chemistry lesson. We are now mothers, doctors, lawyers, accountants, engineers, therapists and broadcasters. I was seated in the front because I was short, and in the center, because I was the loudest. 😀

The spider and I

This morning, while slouching on the couch, a cellar spider appeared next to to me, on the couch, out of “nowhere”…

Me: (Jumping out of the couch) Wow, where did you come from?!

Mr. Spider: (continues walking away, minding his business).

Me: (Took a tissue and attempted to trap the spider).

Mr. Spider: (quickens his footsteps, away from me).

Me: (Squashed the spider with the tissue and proceeded to throw the tissue into the garbage can, mumbling…) Sorry, buddy. You were just minding your own business and freaked out a human. As usual.

The sequence of this event led me to draw parallels between arachnophobia and all forms of phobia, or pure fear. The spontaneity of my actions so quickly escalated into a first degree murder of a species that I know nothing much of.

I then proceeded to google the type of spider, starting with “daddy long legs”, my feeble attempt to describe the spider that I just killed, which I know nothing of. I learned that it was a cellar spider. It’s totally harmless to humans due to it’s small jaws. On the other hand, it helps humans by eating black widows, a spider that could actually harm humans. I also knew it was a male, because, “google”.

In retrospect, I regret my actions. With my new found knowledge, I thought of a better risk mitigation strategy, like a using a container, or 2 books, that would allow space between the creature and I, instead of a flimsy piece of tissue. I’m also a little less fearful when I see one next time, until unless, it’s a different type of spider.

Respect.

What do Inception and Lord of the Rings have in common?

Someone that you love, whom you are with. Something that you love, that you own. Something that you belief in. Very much. Very, very much.

Family. Your best friend(s). The person you love most in your life.

The brand new car that you own, that, you bought with the first money you earned on your own. Your heart breaks when you see a fingernail scratch on it. You want to wash it every day, if you could.

Your favorite video game that you play every day, if you could.

Your favorite hiking trail in the national park, because, beautiful flowers. Beautiful rock formations. Beautiful scenery. Beautiful animals. Beautiful plants. Beautiful rivers and oceans.

Job security. Fame. Fortune. Happiness. Struggles. Pain. Success.

Your beliefs. Your religion. Your rights.

Perfection.

Procrastination.

Now…

Let it go.

Someone or something that would make you hurt so bad when you let go because you’ve invested so much time into, because you’ve invested so much money into, because you’ve spent so much effort into, because it’s the only activity that keeps you sane.

But let it go.

Choose to let it go.

Why?

Because your core is decaying; your fundamentals are being challenged; the people around you are hurting; the landscape you step on is changing; the air you breathe is affected.

Because your love is suffocating the growth of those around you, people whom otherwise CANNOT see what you have saw; experience what you experienced.

Because when you are driving too close to the vehicle in front of you, you cannot see the traffic ahead, and that you risk the lives of those in your car.

Because growth CANNOT happen without pain.

Love uses energy, pain uses energy, growth uses energy, happiness is energy. Slowing down uses energy, hurrying up uses energy. Ruminating uses energy. Procrastinating uses energy. Perfection uses energy.

And energy CANNOT be created or destroyed. It changes from a form to another.

That, is what both of these movies have in common.

As for the length of these movies…

Letting go, learning and growing takes cycles of time.

You can’t hurry a good plot; it ends in time.

As for me, it was learning to let go of my wedding ring. I didn’t realize how hard it was, it is, until I had thought of taking it off for good. I wasn’t ready.

I knew it was for him, too, when he lost so much weight that his ring kept falling off his finger.

What was interesting was that we never thought of getting rings. We didn’t even think to be married. But without realizing it, it seemed like the memories of our relationship, the energy of our relationship, has been magically stored in our rings.

I took my wedding ring off a few days after we buried his remains. That was almost two months ago.

I put it on again today, knowing that I can let it go whenever I want to. Until one day, the emotional oscillation dampens like an inverse Fibonacci sequence.